She said I was wanted she said I was loved but the love she sent was somehow never the message I received lost in translation lost in the pain of being different lost in the pain of never being quite enough good enough smart enough quiet or soft or girly enough like it’s a choice like anyone would ever choose to fall so far from the tree I might as well be in a different orchard yet cling forever to the hope that someday I will measure up I will get it right I will be enough

He said I was wanted he said I was loved but the love he sent was somehow never the message I received lost in translation lost in the fear of disappointment lost in the way my heart rides on my sleeve “toughen up” like it’s a choice like anyone would ever choose to wear their most sacred, soft, vulnerable part out in the open where anyone can poke it, shame it, break it

You say I am wanted you say I am loved but the love you send is somehow never quite the message I receive lost in translation lost in the way our boundaries warp lost in how I lose myself when we get too close and I feel torn instead of whole I feel worn instead of held like anyone would ever choose this unholy mixture star-crossed and mixed signals and misunderstanding and all too often I want to shut it all down and close up shop, hang a “do not disturb” sign on the front door of my heart

I say I am wanted I say I am loved and the love I send is finally finally the message I receive after years of therapy years of work and struggle, pain and tears years of giving up giving in holding on letting go I am choosing to be a fruit of a different color altogether I am choosing to wear my most vulnerable part out in the open where anyone can poke it or break it I am choosing to turn the sign to “open”, to throw open the door wide and never let it bang shut because I would choose a lifetime of grief over even just a moment of being without the love I send the love I receive because in the end it all comes down to me #napowrimo2019

Kyeli Smith @Kyeli